unwanted emotions

For 22 years of my life, i've always been the kind of person whom was okay with eating alone in the canteen, or a restaurant. I was okay with studying alone in the library, I dont have to have anyone around me, because I thought to myself that studying alone was always easier because there wasn't any distractions. I was okay with going out and having fun, I loved spending time with my friends and family. And it makes sense when I say that whenever it comes to the weekends, when I don't have work or any plans to go out, I hate being home. It gives me too much to think about and it makes me feel truly alone. Its different when I'm out alone and when I'm home alone. Even if I wasnt alone at home, it would make me feel like it. The idea of being trapped in a house, not having to function my brain to its maximum, gives me a lot of anxiety. And it always leads to me listening to music the whole day, and just being by myself, alone, in my room, sad. Even if I was listen...

i dont know if i've been living a lie for all these time. religion has been something that i've lived with my whole life and it's practices I would follow through and through.Then as I got older, I realized that all I wanna do is have fun & enjoy activities that kids my age would like to do. I didn't want to wear my headscarf, I would delay my prayers or not pray at all. Sometimes I would do other things that the religion wouldn't allow yet I still wanted to 'try everything in life & not regret it later on.' I started going home late, lying, enjoying food and I forgot all things holy. I'm almost at that age whereby i should have 'found God' and i should be on my knees praying and begging for forgiveness every single day. i should be going to classes, praying 5 times a day and going home early to read the Quran. the feeling in the my heart tells me that I should be doing all these things, but I just can't bring myself to. Dont get me...

my self-esteem was something that i had struggle for almost all of my life. a lot of my friends don't see it, and a lot of the new friends think that i'm confident in everything that i do.  but i'm not. i tend to overthink a lot of things, change my clothes just because i think its an eye sore to others or sometimes just dont go out at all, because i feel ugly.  its difficult to feel good about myself. i stare at my body after a shower and I hate it. every inch of my body feels, ugly, disgusting. my fats, my celulites, my breasts, my belly, my thighs. Every inch of my body, i just wanted to carve out of me. these are the days where i feel so terrible, i just sit and cry. wondering why people even like me. then i start to wonder whether people just want to be with me out of pity. thought to myself  'maybe they're with me just to gain something'.  bad days comes and goes by they never disappear. it'll always be a part of me and it sucks. its a shit...

when people ask me about the story of how i met my boyfriend, i'd normally tell em that we met in school years ago, fell in love a few years later and got together. yaknow, short and sweet, no drama bla bla bla. but today, i'd like to tell people how i met my partner and how i want to spend the rest of my years with him. we met when we were in ITE (Institute of Technical Education) , I was 17 and he was 18. we weren't instantly friends, he had his friends that he close with and I had mine. Our cliques never had a chance to 'hang out' and that is partly because his friends didn't like mine. I don't exactly remember how we got into texting, but he told me (from what he remembers) that he found out I liked bands at that point of time and he texted me. And then we just got 'closer' and hung out for a bit outside school. He didn't really want to be seen as friends in school because I guess he didn't want our classmates to 'tease' him ...

tomorrow I start working at a new place, for a new company. And honestly, as much as I am hyped, I'm super nervous. Mainly because I got a job that I didn't technically sign up for. And me being me, I couldn't reject it. I applied for a position to be one of the admin assistants in this certain company, a Muslim company. Wrote an email, sent it in the middle of the night and got a Whatsapp text the next morning. I was shocked, but also grateful cuz out of the 15 emails I wrote that night, only this company bothered to get back to me. Told me to come to their office so we could talk about the work details etc. Yaknow, normal work stuff. Take in mind that I applied for an ADMIN job. When I got there, they saw my resume, looked at my previous job experiences and asked me whether I wanted to try to work at one of their booths during the Ramadhan period. My job was to sell one of their products at a very very isolated area. So being the kind of person I am (who can't ...

Before I get started on the music of the week, let my just rant about my little experience. (which happened a few times already.) Since you don't know me, let me just tell you that I am a Malay Muslim girl residing in Singapore. Wearing a hijab since I was 14, I'm pretty much your basic Malay Muslim Singaporean girl.  Recently graduated from College, wanted to get a full time job. Which, as you guess, is huge obstacle to overcome. Its difficult enough to go into this man-eat-man world with just a Diploma, but being a minority AND being a Muslim hijabi? Man, thats even tougher. Let me tell you the reasons why.  1. A lot, and I mean  A LOT of jobs in Singapore requires the person applying for the job to be able to speak and understand Mandarin. If you don't, well you're not welcomed to apply for this position.  2. When you're not accepted for a certain position because you wear the hijab. Some examples would be those in the Service Industry. Whereby a perso...