six;
For 22 years of my life, i've always been the kind of person whom was okay with eating alone in the canteen, or a restaurant. I was okay with studying alone in the library, I dont have to have anyone around me, because I thought to myself that studying alone was always easier because there wasn't any distractions. I was okay with going out and having fun, I loved spending time with my friends and family.
And it makes sense when I say that whenever it comes to the weekends, when I don't have work or any plans to go out, I hate being home. It gives me too much to think about and it makes me feel truly alone. Its different when I'm out alone and when I'm home alone. Even if I wasnt alone at home, it would make me feel like it.
The idea of being trapped in a house, not having to function my brain to its maximum, gives me a lot of anxiety. And it always leads to me listening to music the whole day, and just being by myself, alone, in my room, sad. Even if I was listening to pop or preppy music, the day would just end the same. - depressed & alone. Laying down on my bed makes me believe & think that I will always be alone, and that I am sad and that no one likes me. - even if thats completely untrue, I will still overthink and that makes me go insane.
Therefor, leading me to write what I feel, like what I am doing right now. And its not like its bad that i wanna kill myself or something like that, no no. I just cant stay home and do nothing. Doing nothing makes me feel useless and agh, I dont like it. I could sleep or watch videos/netflix but the thing is, its only temporary. I can't sleep for a whole day, and eventually the show I would watch in netflix would run out. Its not a thing that I can do forever, see? If i work, i can never run out of work, because there's always something to do. If i head out, I'm constantly reading signs, looking at people. thinking of that shop and this, wondering whether I should buy this or not. Once my brain stops thinking of something, I automatically think of something bad.
its like my brain constantly needs something to keep myself occupied, else i would just let my body rot into a black hole that i created myself.
i've kept this to myself for a long time, because i felt that no one would understand. and honestly, i still think no one would, and no one would care enough anyway. No one reads this blog anyway, lol.
I guess i just wanted to say it all out instead of keeping it in. In case one day, i pass on from this life, and someday, in the future, someone out there feels what i had felt when i was still alive. and from this blog, he or she knows that they aren't the only one who feels this way.
Alot of my thoughts in this blog can be quite dark, can get quite sad and sometimes, religion and politics can come a long and say 'hey.'
my mind is always having to constantly think of something, else i would just fall.
And it makes sense when I say that whenever it comes to the weekends, when I don't have work or any plans to go out, I hate being home. It gives me too much to think about and it makes me feel truly alone. Its different when I'm out alone and when I'm home alone. Even if I wasnt alone at home, it would make me feel like it.
The idea of being trapped in a house, not having to function my brain to its maximum, gives me a lot of anxiety. And it always leads to me listening to music the whole day, and just being by myself, alone, in my room, sad. Even if I was listening to pop or preppy music, the day would just end the same. - depressed & alone. Laying down on my bed makes me believe & think that I will always be alone, and that I am sad and that no one likes me. - even if thats completely untrue, I will still overthink and that makes me go insane.
Therefor, leading me to write what I feel, like what I am doing right now. And its not like its bad that i wanna kill myself or something like that, no no. I just cant stay home and do nothing. Doing nothing makes me feel useless and agh, I dont like it. I could sleep or watch videos/netflix but the thing is, its only temporary. I can't sleep for a whole day, and eventually the show I would watch in netflix would run out. Its not a thing that I can do forever, see? If i work, i can never run out of work, because there's always something to do. If i head out, I'm constantly reading signs, looking at people. thinking of that shop and this, wondering whether I should buy this or not. Once my brain stops thinking of something, I automatically think of something bad.
its like my brain constantly needs something to keep myself occupied, else i would just let my body rot into a black hole that i created myself.
i've kept this to myself for a long time, because i felt that no one would understand. and honestly, i still think no one would, and no one would care enough anyway. No one reads this blog anyway, lol.
I guess i just wanted to say it all out instead of keeping it in. In case one day, i pass on from this life, and someday, in the future, someone out there feels what i had felt when i was still alive. and from this blog, he or she knows that they aren't the only one who feels this way.
Alot of my thoughts in this blog can be quite dark, can get quite sad and sometimes, religion and politics can come a long and say 'hey.'
my mind is always having to constantly think of something, else i would just fall.
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