four


my self-esteem was something that i had struggle for almost all of my life. a lot of my friends don't see it, and a lot of the new friends think that i'm confident in everything that i do. 
but i'm not. i tend to overthink a lot of things, change my clothes just because i think its an eye sore to others or sometimes just dont go out at all, because i feel ugly. 

its difficult to feel good about myself. i stare at my body after a shower and I hate it. every inch of my body feels, ugly, disgusting. my fats, my celulites, my breasts, my belly, my thighs. Every inch of my body, i just wanted to carve out of me. these are the days where i feel so terrible, i just sit and cry. wondering why people even like me. then i start to wonder whether people just want to be with me out of pity. thought to myself  'maybe they're with me just to gain something'.  bad days comes and goes by they never disappear. it'll always be a part of me and it sucks. its a shitty feeling. telling yourself that you're ugly and no one wants you. that you will never be 'like the other girls'. You'll never have a pretty body. you'll never have a flawless face. you'll never be happy.

some days when its not that bad, i put on  makeup. to make it seem that i have even skintone. put on lipstick so i dont look so pale. blush to make my cheeks rosy. dress up a little so my fats can't be seen. i would feel better, until i'm homed. i would take it all off, removing the makeup, the clothes. knowing damn well that i'm not that beautiful. that even with makeup i'm ugly and i'll never be a beauty in someone's eye. i'd keep it all to myself because no one understands.

no one understands what it feels like to hide it all to myself, not having anyone to tell about how it feels like. to be ugly. uncomfortable with my own skin. how i have to hide myself behind a facade of being 'thick skin' and telling others how 'i'm hot and sexy' or 'i'm cute.'
but inside, i know i'm ugly. and nothing will ever change how i feel about myself. even if i lost weight or decide to go for surgery, nothing will change.
because in my mind, i'm not good enough. for anyone and myself. i'll always be a side character that never makes a difference in life. and that if i was gone, it would be quick to erase me.

oh how funny it is for everyone to believe that i'm such a happy child. how entertaining it is to see how no one asks 'how are you? are you feeling better?' because they thought i 'grew out of it.' how they think i have become more confident with loving myself and how i even got a boyfriend because i learnt to appreciate myself and the people around me.
but all of this, is just a fantasy. no one asks the smiling girl is she's okay. because they just assume that she is.
i'm not okay. and sometimes, i just want to cry it all away.
forget everything, and hope someone will just come to my rescue.
telling me everything will be okay.
and that i am enough. 

Comments

  1. BuvelleDecember 2, 2019 at 10:50 AM

    You are beautiful. You will never be one of those pretty girls but you are still one of the most fun person I used to hang out with. Don't bring yourself down. You are always surrounded by people. You don't have to be the prettiest to ever be wanted. There is always people prettier than you. You always hide your insecurities but you are also very strong which make you seem like a superwoman. Don't ever doubt yourself anymore. You are beautiful just the way you are. No matter how much your head tells you no.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

six;

For 22 years of my life, i've always been the kind of person whom was okay with eating alone in the canteen, or a restaurant. I was okay with studying alone in the library, I dont have to have anyone around me, because I thought to myself that studying alone was always easier because there wasn't any distractions. I was okay with going out and having fun, I loved spending time with my friends and family. And it makes sense when I say that whenever it comes to the weekends, when I don't have work or any plans to go out, I hate being home. It gives me too much to think about and it makes me feel truly alone. Its different when I'm out alone and when I'm home alone. Even if I wasnt alone at home, it would make me feel like it. The idea of being trapped in a house, not having to function my brain to its maximum, gives me a lot of anxiety. And it always leads to me listening to music the whole day, and just being by myself, alone, in my room, sad. Even if I was listen...
Read more

three;

Image
when people ask me about the story of how i met my boyfriend, i'd normally tell em that we met in school years ago, fell in love a few years later and got together. yaknow, short and sweet, no drama bla bla bla. but today, i'd like to tell people how i met my partner and how i want to spend the rest of my years with him. we met when we were in ITE (Institute of Technical Education) , I was 17 and he was 18. we weren't instantly friends, he had his friends that he close with and I had mine. Our cliques never had a chance to 'hang out' and that is partly because his friends didn't like mine. I don't exactly remember how we got into texting, but he told me (from what he remembers) that he found out I liked bands at that point of time and he texted me. And then we just got 'closer' and hung out for a bit outside school. He didn't really want to be seen as friends in school because I guess he didn't want our classmates to 'tease' him ...
Read more