five;

i dont know if i've been living a lie for all these time. religion has been something that i've lived with my whole life and it's practices I would follow through and through.Then as I got older, I realized that all I wanna do is have fun & enjoy activities that kids my age would like to do. I didn't want to wear my headscarf, I would delay my prayers or not pray at all. Sometimes I would do other things that the religion wouldn't allow yet I still wanted to 'try everything in life & not regret it later on.' I started going home late, lying, enjoying food and I forgot all things holy.

I'm almost at that age whereby i should have 'found God' and i should be on my knees praying and begging for forgiveness every single day. i should be going to classes, praying 5 times a day and going home early to read the Quran. the feeling in the my heart tells me that I should be doing all these things, but I just can't bring myself to. Dont get me wrong though, I believe that there is only Allah and His teachings are right. I love my religion and I have never doubt a single thing. But as much as I believe, i still ask myself everyday as to why I never practiced our daily tasks. I knew it's bad to miss prayers, its bad to not be able to read the Quran even though you will be though by a professional. But i dont know, i just cant seem to bring myself to it. but i'm being told by dad that I should do this, do that and keep my hijab on no matter what.

but if i keep it on but don't try to practice the daily tasks, wouldnt that make me a huge hypocrite? shouldn't i just take it off, live the life i want and do whatever i wish?
if only if it was that easy. as the eldest daughter, a lot of pressure is constantly on my shoulders. the phrases 'you should be an example' or 'youre the oldest, don't do anything stupid.' are always ringing in my head over and over again and honestly, even though i'm sick and tired of listening, my freedom will always be something I have no control over. as long as i'm under the roof of my parents, nothing will change.

but who knows one day, after all these naggings, my mind will change? Maybe I will love God even know and I will perform well (or try to) to finish the daily tasks we are assigned to do. But at this point of state and mind, even though I'm scared of death, I do wish I could have some of my freedom back.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

six;

For 22 years of my life, i've always been the kind of person whom was okay with eating alone in the canteen, or a restaurant. I was okay with studying alone in the library, I dont have to have anyone around me, because I thought to myself that studying alone was always easier because there wasn't any distractions. I was okay with going out and having fun, I loved spending time with my friends and family. And it makes sense when I say that whenever it comes to the weekends, when I don't have work or any plans to go out, I hate being home. It gives me too much to think about and it makes me feel truly alone. Its different when I'm out alone and when I'm home alone. Even if I wasnt alone at home, it would make me feel like it. The idea of being trapped in a house, not having to function my brain to its maximum, gives me a lot of anxiety. And it always leads to me listening to music the whole day, and just being by myself, alone, in my room, sad. Even if I was listen...
Read more

three;

Image
when people ask me about the story of how i met my boyfriend, i'd normally tell em that we met in school years ago, fell in love a few years later and got together. yaknow, short and sweet, no drama bla bla bla. but today, i'd like to tell people how i met my partner and how i want to spend the rest of my years with him. we met when we were in ITE (Institute of Technical Education) , I was 17 and he was 18. we weren't instantly friends, he had his friends that he close with and I had mine. Our cliques never had a chance to 'hang out' and that is partly because his friends didn't like mine. I don't exactly remember how we got into texting, but he told me (from what he remembers) that he found out I liked bands at that point of time and he texted me. And then we just got 'closer' and hung out for a bit outside school. He didn't really want to be seen as friends in school because I guess he didn't want our classmates to 'tease' him ...
Read more

four

my self-esteem was something that i had struggle for almost all of my life. a lot of my friends don't see it, and a lot of the new friends think that i'm confident in everything that i do.  but i'm not. i tend to overthink a lot of things, change my clothes just because i think its an eye sore to others or sometimes just dont go out at all, because i feel ugly.  its difficult to feel good about myself. i stare at my body after a shower and I hate it. every inch of my body feels, ugly, disgusting. my fats, my celulites, my breasts, my belly, my thighs. Every inch of my body, i just wanted to carve out of me. these are the days where i feel so terrible, i just sit and cry. wondering why people even like me. then i start to wonder whether people just want to be with me out of pity. thought to myself  'maybe they're with me just to gain something'.  bad days comes and goes by they never disappear. it'll always be a part of me and it sucks. its a shit...
Read more