unwanted emotions

my self-esteem was something that i had struggle for almost all of my life. a lot of my friends don't see it, and a lot of the new friends think that i'm confident in everything that i do.  but i'm not. i tend to overthink a lot of things, change my clothes just because i think its an eye sore to others or sometimes just dont go out at all, because i feel ugly.  its difficult to feel good about myself. i stare at my body after a shower and I hate it. every inch of my body feels, ugly, disgusting. my fats, my celulites, my breasts, my belly, my thighs. Every inch of my body, i just wanted to carve out of me. these are the days where i feel so terrible, i just sit and cry. wondering why people even like me. then i start to wonder whether people just want to be with me out of pity. thought to myself  'maybe they're with me just to gain something'.  bad days comes and goes by they never disappear. it'll always be a part of me and it sucks. its a shit...

when people ask me about the story of how i met my boyfriend, i'd normally tell em that we met in school years ago, fell in love a few years later and got together. yaknow, short and sweet, no drama bla bla bla. but today, i'd like to tell people how i met my partner and how i want to spend the rest of my years with him. we met when we were in ITE (Institute of Technical Education) , I was 17 and he was 18. we weren't instantly friends, he had his friends that he close with and I had mine. Our cliques never had a chance to 'hang out' and that is partly because his friends didn't like mine. I don't exactly remember how we got into texting, but he told me (from what he remembers) that he found out I liked bands at that point of time and he texted me. And then we just got 'closer' and hung out for a bit outside school. He didn't really want to be seen as friends in school because I guess he didn't want our classmates to 'tease' him ...

tomorrow I start working at a new place, for a new company. And honestly, as much as I am hyped, I'm super nervous. Mainly because I got a job that I didn't technically sign up for. And me being me, I couldn't reject it. I applied for a position to be one of the admin assistants in this certain company, a Muslim company. Wrote an email, sent it in the middle of the night and got a Whatsapp text the next morning. I was shocked, but also grateful cuz out of the 15 emails I wrote that night, only this company bothered to get back to me. Told me to come to their office so we could talk about the work details etc. Yaknow, normal work stuff. Take in mind that I applied for an ADMIN job. When I got there, they saw my resume, looked at my previous job experiences and asked me whether I wanted to try to work at one of their booths during the Ramadhan period. My job was to sell one of their products at a very very isolated area. So being the kind of person I am (who can't ...

Before I get started on the music of the week, let my just rant about my little experience. (which happened a few times already.) Since you don't know me, let me just tell you that I am a Malay Muslim girl residing in Singapore. Wearing a hijab since I was 14, I'm pretty much your basic Malay Muslim Singaporean girl.  Recently graduated from College, wanted to get a full time job. Which, as you guess, is huge obstacle to overcome. Its difficult enough to go into this man-eat-man world with just a Diploma, but being a minority AND being a Muslim hijabi? Man, thats even tougher. Let me tell you the reasons why.  1. A lot, and I mean  A LOT of jobs in Singapore requires the person applying for the job to be able to speak and understand Mandarin. If you don't, well you're not welcomed to apply for this position.  2. When you're not accepted for a certain position because you wear the hijab. Some examples would be those in the Service Industry. Whereby a perso...